Another shouted confrontation over whose toy it is. One child storms out, slamming the door, the other complains loudly they’re being unfairly treated. A parent retreats to another room, tears spilled after a long day of managing unfamiliar tasks and trying to maintain a functional house, job & family. It’s becoming more common. We’re approaching nearly a year of living in unusual times and what many are calling ‘Lockdown 3’; the first lockdown benefitted from novelty, a general commitment to doing the right thing and almost continuously great weather to enjoy the outdoors; the second lockdown was short and with the prospect of Christmas on the other side and children able to be at school in relative normality. Round 3 is proving more of a challenge: kids’ horizons are limited by winter weather, unable to have easy contact with friends and being regularly babysat by some of form of screen as their carers attempt to juggle their own responsibilities, leaving kids missing out some of the normality and variety of life.
How are the young dealing with these curtailments? I asked my 11 year-old what he finds difficult and what he’d like more of – ‘less stress over completing schoolwork’ and ‘more seeing my friends’. My 13 year-old had a similar perspective: ‘the loneliness and boredom; I’d like to see my friends’.
But we’re very lucky. The UK is experiencing a real surge in issues of child mental health problems.
So as a parent, friend or family member, how can we help kids come out of Covid intact and ready for life? Clearly, this is going to largely depend on the child and especially their age and existing wellbeing.
Maslow’s hierarchy of Needs is a model that divides up our basic needs and prioritises them. It illustrates that, in general, we seek to have our very basic needs met first before we aspire to greater ones. It may be helpful to prioritise our efforts with kids:
Image Courtesy of Wikimedia
At the foundation level of this, are physiological and safety needs. And just because we live in a wealthy country, doesn’t mean we’ve solved this:
Sadly, there are currently 4.2 million kids in the UK living in poverty in the UK, so its shocking that this issue needs addressing. That means food banks, choosing between food or heating.
135,000 children are homeless
Calls to domestic abuse hotlines are up 66% during lockdown
So how can we help our families and others?
Diet – all the usual rules apply; keep the sugar and fast food down, and the fresh fruit and veg intake up. A good diet helps kids stay healthy and happy in the short and long-term. Often, a less processed diet can also be cheaper. And if you’re doing fine, why not donate to a Food bank or contact your MP to ask for change to help others?
Exercise – sitting in front of screens all day is a recipe for poor mental and physical health. If you can’t face going outside because it’s unsafe or unpleasant, Joe Wicks’ 20-minute sessions are available free online 3 times per week and are fun for kids of almost any age. If your child isn’t naturally into exercise, why not encourage them to meet their friends and get there by foot or bike?
Outdoor time – seeing other people, getting into nature are proven to be good for the soul. Respect Covid distancing, and if you can find some green space near you, a river or park, help your kids learn to access and enjoy these spaces safely so they get a reminder of whats out there to enjoy
Sleep – a life in lockdown tends to mean just moving from one room to another at home, rather than having the structure of school or work days. Top this with ever-present screens and sleep can be disturbed. It’s important that people need 90 minutes break from screens to rest their minds before bed and go to bed at a regular time. Kids need 11 or more hours sleep, even up to the ages of 15. All that growing needs rest! And we all know that good nights’ rest can often make for a better next day, no matter how torrid the previous day has been!
Drugs and drink are a challenge for some teens, as well as parents. Teens will experience many of the same rites of passage as us, e.g. drinking too much with their friends to ‘prove’ themselves. Demonstrating good behaviour and being good to ourselves as adults, as well as reinforcing the message that intoxication can be risky is critical to their long-term behaviour. Permissiveness and ‘introducing’ kids to substances is not successful in them managing their intake later in life.
And look, this isn’t a check list you have to complete tomorrow; doing better at just one of these could help your child enormously, as often they create a virtuous circle: more exercise makes them hungry and gets them to bed early, which means they wake up feeling better!
Once these basic needs are addressed, we enter the space of emotional wellbeing – Love, Self-Esteem and Belonging.
With a shortage of human contact, and carers potentially just as stressed by Covid, it’s important that children still feel loved and cared for. If you’re responsible for them, take time to ensure you are available for them; not just ensuring they are fed and housed, but that you’re emotionally ‘present’. If you’re like me, it can be really difficult to switch your mind from the task-oriented adult World of work and the empathy and patience needed for a child who’s struggling to engage with their teacher speaking through a laptop with a flaky internet connection!
At Lykkeli, we call this ability to be present for others Active Listening – not just waiting for your cue to enter a conversation, but really seeking to hear the emotional content and needs of another. If you’ve ever been involved in a conversation with someone who’s clearly distracted, you’ll know what Active Listening is not! By clearing away the own ‘noise’ of your own concerns, you can show your child empathy and understanding, which will allow them to feel connected to you and share their troubles, concerns or successes and feel loved.
Of course, not every interaction you have with someone has to be an intense, undisturbed period of reflection – if what you can spare are some kind words, some physical affection or some specific praise for a piece of good behaviour, then all of these will help to create an environment that your child can thrive in and encourage similar behaviour in them.
Equipped with the safety and love that you give them, these kids will be ready to reach the peak of Maslow’s pyramid- Self-Actualisation, where you see them become the amazing person they are meant to be.
As I reflect on my view on helping kids through this period, just taking time to write about it has helped me; I hope it has helped you too. And if you want an impartial ear to help you be present for your kids, or want to learn more about Active Listening, we’d love to welcome you to the Lykkeli community!
